Mirrors
Mirrors. What do you see, or who do you see when you look in the mirror?
I use a mirror every day, but I usually do not look very closely. I don’t want to see the crazy wild hairs that sprout here and there. I don’t want my spreading middle. I don’t want to use a extra mirror to monitor the growing bald spot on the back of my head. After all, if I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist, right?
But I notice the blemishes and faults of others. Too heavy. Too skinny. Whatever. A litany of judgment.
How is our perception so clear and sharp when it comes to others, and yet so limited when directed at ourselves? Most often it seems our concept of ourself is inflated, though there are instances when a person sees a false negative image, such as one with an eating disorder who sees a fat self.
What if we had a mirror to see our soul, our thoughts and desires?
Pride, lust, greed, envy, lust, wrath and sloth – the traditional 7 deadly sins. Guilty to all 7, as well as a host of others.
Pride is the pinnacle. It was regarded as such traditionally, and I second that from experience. It has led me to exalted ego, inconsideration of others, justification for my actions no matter that they may harm others. After all, doesn’t Pride tell me that my happiness paramount, my self-interest before all?
I learned of the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia almost 20 years ago in an article in the Atlanta Journal Constitution. I had left the Catholic Church, led first by intellectual searching and criticism, and then down a road that culminated in shame of return. I slowly made my return, and in 2005 first visited the monastery. It was not easy to go to a monastery for a retreat, particularly a Trappist monastery. The Trappists (Cistercian Order of the Strict Observance) are an ancient monastic order. They follow the rule of St. Benedict, a life of work and prayer, a vow of stability to the monastic place they have chosen. The Divine Office today is prayed at 4, 7, 9, 12:15, 3, 5:20 and 7:30. Years ago, as recently as the ‘60s, there was a prayer at 2 a.m. Also, silence was rigorous, often mistaken for a vow of silence. Though not a vow, sign language was used, and speech was limited to confession or a conference with a superior. Trappists to my generation were regarded as the Marine Corps of the Church. I think you may understand why a lapsed Catholic would fear a Trappist reception.
How wrong I was in so many ways. I have found the monks to be most forgiving and understanding. They are very much from the tradition Richard Rohr writes of in ‘Falling Upward’ – that is a crisis, failure, falling, is impetus for spiritual growth and breakthrough. I am much happier with who I see in the mirror these days. What does your mirror reflect?
I will write more of my failures, but before writing of my impressions of anyone else I thought I should speak honestly about myself.
In the early morning of Vigils, the psalms speak beautifully, powerfully and to the heart, like a laser. Psalm 51 is especially poignant to a sinner.
Psalm 51
Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.